Never been to a funeral and not sure how? A few tips.

Talking with my friend Kara – she’s 30 – some time back, it dawned on me that she didn’t know how to go to a funeral.

I had to take a moment and think about it.

Going to a funeral is supportive

Her friend’s dad had been struggling with cancer and now he’d died. It was a big time for them.

Will you go to the funeral? I asked.

Can I? she said.

Yes, I’m sure he’d really appreciate it, going to a funeral is a wonderful part of being a good friend. It’s a mark of respect. But for funerals … well, you often won’t get an invitation. It’s not that the family doesn’t want you to go. It’s just …

‘Sometimes there will be a notice in the paper, or on Facebook … but why don’t you get in touch with him or with one of your friends? Then you can go together.’

Etiquette.

Dress in something nice that’s not flamboyant or over-casual, you don’t need to wear black. Be prepared to laugh as well as be serious. There’s often humour at a funeral.

Make sure you know how long the funral goes for and allow enough time. You want to arrive at least five minutes ahead and be there till the end.

What do I say?

‘I’m really sorry.’ Keep it simple.

Learning who they were.

He’ll know that you’re right with what he and his family are going through. And there’s something about a good funeral – you join up the dots about things in your friend’s life.

A few weeks’ later I noticed a funeral program on Kara’s car seat.

You went?

Yes, she said, me and Cath went together. Kristy was there too. Davey was really glad we came. And it was amazing to find out about his dad and what a special person he was.

You can find out a whole lot more practical things like this in my book, Death, a love project, a guide to exploring the life in death and finding the way together.