What can I say when someone’s died?

What to say when someone has died? This is a question I’m often asked. In this post I offer a very simple formula which you might like to try out. It’s also helpful in many other situations.

When someone you care for is suffering and you just don’t know what to say, you can feel uncomfortable, tongue tied and helpless. It’s simply too difficult to come up with something meaningful that really communicates how you feel.

It may seem lacklustre to fall back on a formula. But I’ve found over the years that it can be a great help. I was lucky to be given these three simple phrases years’ ago.

I use them all the time. I’m sorry. Thank you. I love you.

Saying sorry is simple.

There’s not much you can say when someone is hurting, but you can say you’re sorry.

I’m sorry to hear about your mum.

I’m so sorry. I heard that Eugene died - you must miss him so much.

You may prefer, I’m sorry for your loss. That’s fine, but if you know who it was, saying the name makes a great difference. You may be nervous that you’ll stumble getting the words out. Actually there’s nothing wrong with being a bit clumsy. The main thing is that we do our best in difficult circumstances.

Thank you.

So next comes adding in a short appreciation.

I’m sorry to hear about your mum - I’ve always loved seeing the two of you together. She seemed to enjoy life so much.

I’m so sorry to hear that Eugene died - you must miss him so much. I’ve enjoyed your relationship over the years, especially how much you’ve cared for each other during this difficult time.

I love you.

Expressing that you care by saying I love you might be a little over the top, but there are lots of ways.

I’m sorry to hear about your mum - I’ve always loved seeing the two of you together. She seemed to enjoy life so much. You’re such a special friend and I want to be in touch to know how you’re going.

I’m so sorry to hear that Eugene died - you must miss him so much. I’ve enjoyed your relationship over the years, especially how much you’ve cared for each other during this difficult time. I care for you. Do you need anything?

You’re not alone

One way I think of ritual is as an activity we undertake that helps us to know we’re connected and not alone. You could think of I’m sorry. Thank you. I love you as a kind of ritual that helps in that way.

‘We ourselves cannot put any magic spells on this world,’ says the legendary Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki, ‘the world is its own magic.’

There are many occasions on which we can use this simple, spontaneous ritual, and speak to another person directly of our concern for them.

And take in the magic of having made a difference :)