Services | Annie Bolitho

Extraordinary crazy life affirming opportunities

Annie — Thu, 01 Aug 2019 07:46:18 +0000

‘A life affirming book about death’ says a reader of my book ‘Death, a Love Project’ on Twitter. After spending a couple of years writing it I’m appreciating the feedback readers are sending through and posting on social media.

Extraordinary crazy opportunities – all kinds of love projects

My understanding of life affirming is that we appreciate life’s extraordinary opportunities. Those of you who’ve read a little way into the book will know that my friend Glenda’s story weaves through it. When the boxes of books arrived and we’d begun sending them out I had a strong impulse to share the news with her. She was a generous supporter of her friends and such a gift giver.

It was a Saturday morning. Parcels were piled up round the room. I was surprised by how strongly I felt that I should tell her it was all done. But along with my thought came the rational pause button. ‘Isn’t that a bit kooky?’ Strangely I felt I might be judged for wanting to express myself to a person who died several years’ ago.

I’d just successfully completed a guide ‘exploring the life in death’. A conundrum that can’t be sorted out logically. In the book I try to say that life and death aren’t best understood by using one’s brain. A well worked out linear logical trajectory may miss what could equally compel us in setting a course of action – that something simply feels right. The heart knows.

Yet deeply sown in me is the value of being reasonable, the dread of being seen as crazy or odd. It was interesting to notice how easily an impulse could be dampened by fear.

Cultivating. I care.

Glenda’s work created the legacy of a small public garden, and it’s not too far away. I went there taking seed and cuttings to plant. I felt good as I lit a candle and a stick of incense. ‘Hello dear buddy,’ I said, ’the book and your story are soon going to be read.’ That was all.

It’s been a great rainy season in Melbourne and weeds were running rampant. A possum or a person had trampled a feijoa tree. For the next couple of hours I fixed the tree, weeded and planted and picked up rubbish.

That garden has always been an extraordinary crazy opportunity. Glenda’s life is still love project for me. And it’s life affirming.

Choking on a name

In South African language there’s an expression ‘Wat die hart van vol is, loop die mond vol oor’, in rough translation ‘what is filling the heart pours out of the mouth.’ It appears in songs about losing love, and wanting to hug someone who isn’t there.

With this verity in mind, why wouldn’t a bereaved person want to talk about the person who died? Yet for some it’s very very difficult even to speak the name. Perhaps, as I allude to in the book this is the social discomfort of not wanting to give way to tears. The fear of not being able to hold up the self one normally presents.

I was recently a guest at a small event, in a roomful of a friend’s family members who were grieving. Hearts were very full. Here we were, gathered to remember this beloved man who’d died some months before. I waited for memories and stories to be shared but none came. And I felt as if, in that room many were choking, unable to say his name.

Easy to feel a freer conversation should or could be had. Yet the circumstances of each situation are what they are.

Making it a little easier

In circumstances like these a facilitator can make it easier to talk and share. When in this role, I see awkwardness as an opportunity. If a group is avoiding what is really going on, even little openings can feel quite a relief. Self-consciousness can be turned out to others. Behind someone’s controlled self presentation is often a person who feels a lot. Who knows what they might say? And silence is okay.

Although so much in the space of death and grieving has to be taken care of alone, there’s quite a bit that has to be navigated with family or friends. You don’t have to do these difficult or awkward things without support. A companion who knows the territory can help. Wanting to talk in a group isn’t crazy. If you’re ever looking for this kind of help with a gathering, do get in touch.

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Suicide and friendship; friends & the funeral

Annie — Thu, 28 Feb 2019 16:24:04 +0000

Death by suicide is on my mind at the time of the Pell verdict, knowing that the trauma of abuse has led to agonising secrecy, substance abuse and if not suicide per se, certainly most traumatic death, with irretrievable loss left behind. I’m thinking of the two young boys in the sacristy. When I read Louise Milligan’s account of the Kid and the Choirboy I’m drawn into a story in which traumatic death and friendship are deeply connected. I feel, like many others, the unbearable-ness of Pell’s victim having died without being able to tell his story. Judge Peter Kidd’s statement invites me to confront the reality that each child’s deep shame was intensified by knowing that the other had seen.

In Facebook commentary by a victim’s partner, I read that Ballarat has an exceptionally high rate of suicide. It is higher than the overall average in Victoria or Australia. Coverage in Thursday’s Herald Sun suggests the likelihood of self harm as a result of suffering the St Alipius school environment.

My mind turns to the deep suffering when someone loses a friend or family member to suicide. And I think of suicide and friendship, and its role in the funerals I’ve helped to shape and facilitate after death by suicide. I’ve seen how much friendship groups add to the life celebration of the person who has died. Family has an assumed position in any death. But the position friends occupy is often very important.

The person who has died has been through a lot. Friends are often key supports. Sometimes there have been unsatisfactory family relationships at one time or another. The person may have fended for himself or herself, and chosen to live their life with friends. Sometimes the person who has died is young, and the sudden and shocking loss has to be absorbed by their peer cohort.

Grieving with family and friends after death by suicide

After a sudden death people speak of their sense of reality not lining up, or of not being able to bring it into focus.

The funeral marks the start of grieving process. The more collaborative friends and family are able to be, depending on particular circumstances of course, the more satisfactory the beginnings of a grieving process are. This may be the most difficult event ever in some of the mourners’ lives. Hearing stories and witnessing the qualities of important bonds helps everyone to grieve.

Shock, anger, shame and confusion are difficult emotions to navigate. However a key intent with a funeral is firstly to find the individual and community story that people can take away and ‘live in’ in future. That story will be made meaningful in the way friends are included.

‘What I liked about Steve’s funeral’ said Nicky, ‘is that the speakers painted an incredible picture of his unique contribution. Yet they didn’t shy away from talking about his difficulties.’ She paused. ‘He had the most interesting friends.’

Trusting conversations between strangers

Another thing we want from a funeral is to create opportunities for connection between people who knew the person who died but don’t know each other. When I’m helping with planning, my aim is to create a space where people can trust in having a conversation with strangers.

I look to set up the most favourable context for friends and family to feel that there’s a way of going forward together after death by suicide. I can be contacted through my website – it outlines more about how I work. Below I’ve listed a few useful resources.

Headspace’s resource You can talk about suicide

Beyond Blue’s Guiding their way back

Bereaving from Suicide a useful Canadian resource

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Co-created life story books

Annie — Tue, 20 Sep 2016 01:41:07 +0000

I love stories and I love making books! With many years experience in the field of ‘writing in the community’, they’ve been my speciality. Projects I have worked on include: You have to laugh, but you also have to cry with family and professional carers at Ballina Dementia Care, Elements of Life with Kirra Day Centre. I’ve worked on stories of place too, like Byron Bay Lighthouse. Out of the Ordinary, with Mary Hutchison is the story of getting stories down in Canberra communites.

I have a Doctorate in Creative Arts and am an easy going co-writer and editor. In creating a biography, there’s no requirement in terms of number of words or pages. A simple publication can be quite satisfying. I aim to produce a publication for the teller and family over a defined period of time.

Feedback on co-created life story books

Annie made a unique contribution to family and professional carers and clients at Ballina Dementia Care through the projects ‘You have to laugh but you also have to cry’ and ‘Former Bowlers Included (FBI).’ Ruth

You’ve done this very well Annie. I don’t think anyone could have done it better. Vona

Yes we did, it’s absolutely right. We did have a furphy. This is wonderful. Kath

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Karuna: caring and compassion

Annie — Tue, 28 Jun 2016 04:49:44 +0000

A beautiful garden is the perfect place to have five minutes before a meeting. Time to stand by the fish pond. Time to reflect. I was visiting for the first time. I’d been too busy on other trips to Brisbane.

Anyway with regular updates in the mail, I’ve always felt in touch with Karuna’s mission. Reading the stories, appreciating the difference made to families, has unfailingly given me heart.

The Australian Centre for Health Research highlights that ‘too many Australians experience pain and suffering in the final months and days of their lives, and die in a way they would not choose. These outcomes ripple out beyond the dying person to their families, loved ones, caregivers, and communities.’ (ACHR Conversations: Creating Choices in End of Life Care). Karuna provides a community palliative care model that changes this. It is a model to aspire to.

Karuna’s been a charity of choice for a long time. I welcomed the news when it was founded in the early 1990s. I felt terrible chagrin over my inexperience and inadequacy when my mother was terminally ill. I wanted to change the circumstances in which ordinary people approach death.

Venerable Hawter’s founding vision centred on caring and compassion. Karuna would enable people with incurable illness to live in comfort and peace in the familiar and reassuring surrounds of their own home. He set about creating Karuna with nurses, counsellors and other palliative care professionals. The credibility of the service was recognised a few years later with funding from the Queensland Health Department. Hundreds of volunteers have come forward to assist over the years. A new building was found and revamped.

CEO Elisabeth Roberts was kind enough to take the time to make me welcome at the Karuna House. She is passionate about her organisation and making a difference to as many people as possible. I asked her: ‘Do you think it’d be possible to create a service like Karuna today?’

‘Of course, she said, ‘charities and not-for-profits are established every day. The challenge would be to sustain it.’

Others clearly feel the same way I do about sustaining Karuna. ‘Look,’ Elisabeth said, pointing around at her office furnishings. ‘Everything is donated, from this painting to my desk. ‘If you like anything and would like to purchase it, it’s yours. Just leave me my laptop!’

I toured the building and saw nurses returned from home visits. An antique rocking horse waiting for the right donor. The room where training events are held. The Learning Coordinator and Counsellor’s office – in 2014 we collaborated on forums about death and dying at Woodford Folk Festival.

Karuna inspires me. Where 70% of Australians would like to die at home, only 14% actually do (Dying Well, Grattan Institute Report, 2014). Karuna turns this around. 83% of those they support die in the place they choose.

As I left Elisabeth gave me a gift. You may have seen publicity and reviews of Cory Taylor’s book Dying, a Memoir. From Cory’s experience, Karuna’s model is right for dying people and their families. It offers relief and assurance. I will treasure Cory’s book, it’s testimony for Karuna.

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Life expectancy, income poverty and funeral options

Annie — Wed, 09 Apr 2014 02:53:21 +0000

Thirty years’ ago Australians’ life expectancy grew substantially. This post looks at the implications for funeral options. Thirty years’ ago public health initiatives had cut down infant mortality. TAC style campaigns reduced teenage drunk driving and accidents. Today it’s hard for experts to say that life expectancy will stop growing. At the same time, if you caught yesterday’s Age’s Middle Class and Homeless, you’ll be abreast of some of the issues that now arise for ordinary people who’ve worked hard all their lives, as they face a much longer second half of life.

All these issues hit a funeral company’s market. With slow demand, the drive for new customers is competitive. Major players Le Pine, and Tobins have put a lot into changing the look and feel of their services, with well designed websites and attractive propositions about a wide range of funeral options. Tobins highlights that choices – such as how your coffin will look – are up to you. The Le Pine thematic ‘Goodbye’ lessens the need to talk about death. All companies promise purchasers high quality service and convenience.

From the consumer side, with longer lives and inadequate super savings as outlined in the Age report, many women can’t afford cashew nuts. And what about any major outlay? They’re way out of reach. What to do, when a funeral comes in at between a no frills $4-5,000 and a higher end $12-15,000?

It’s reassuring for anyone who’s afflicted with ‘income poverty’ that home funerals provide a manageable alternative to conventional commercial options. Keep the body at home, use a low-cost coffin, transport the body to the cemetery, collect the ashes, hold your own memorial service. Pick your own flowers. Bring a plate. Perhaps some cashews …

Thanks to ‘Last Things’ for the featured image.

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Death Cafe Melbourne @ Kinfolk

Annie — Sat, 11 May 2013 11:02:58 +0000

Death Cafe is a lively social movement. Cafes springing up like mushrooms in London, San Francisco and New York City. Their popularity reflects a broad interest in bringing death out from the shadows and talking about it in the warmth of well-supported public occasions. There’s no reason to try to make sense of big questions alone.

On Dying to Know Day, I’ll be hosting a death café at Kinfolk Café. It’s a social enterprise, near Southern Cross Station. We’ll start at 6.30 and run till 8pm.

I’m a baby boomer, and like others of my generation I expect choices and options in all areas of life, including in the service domain of death and dying. The Death Café encourages people to realize they can share experiences, do things differently, think reflectively and share ideas.

So come along if you’re also keen to make public conversation about death less of a deal. I’ll be facilitating and the event will invite participation in a safe atmosphere.

Social enterprise café Kinfolk supports social change. Eating great food together is an essential element of the Death Café movement. Kinfolk is the perfect place for people to develop connections and draw creative inspiration to consider fresh choices.

#As at 2017, there’s a Death Cafe each season in Melbourne.

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