As consumers, Australians are poorly educated about funeral or end of life options. Many have little practice with the physical reality of death. A new acquaintance and I were talking over a cup of tea. ‘I’m 53 and I’ve never seen a dead body,’ she said. ‘I know very little about death and when my parents go, who knows what we’ll do?’

When I run workshops for organisations, I know who will be there. But I’m not sure who will come to my workshop on Sunday. I don’t know what experience they might have had. Something will have drawn them to it. We’ll find out about this early in the workshop. If there’s anyone who’s been strongly drawn to the workshop, yet feels very nervous about dead bodies,I’ll reassure them that that’s not at all unusual. Throughout, I’ll be talking about laying out and vigil as a love project, a final gesture of care towards a loved one.

Washing away, creating relaxation and comfort

Laying out a body is a time when close people can be part of a transformative process. If there has been long illness all the struggle can be washed away. If there has been an accident, that reality can be taken in a little more gently. If the person is very old and has been living in the garments of age, they can be dressed beautifully.

‘I had come into the room with a body that had been through so much. She looked beat up, cold, lonely, and pained. Once she was dressed, in her own clothes, she looked so cozy, warm, relaxed, and comfortable. She looked like herself. But it wasn’t her,’ says Nora Menkin on the National Home Funeral Alliance website.

Being at home

Rituals of laying out and vigil put the person at the centre, looking like him or herself, but it’s not him or not her. The vigil might be in the lounge, perhaps in their room, perhaps in a room that’s been specially set up for the purpose. Having the chance to lay out the body is the norm for Muslims. Visiting someone who has died is what Greeks do. Any family can create rituals of laying out and vigil. These practices unfold the reality or death and mortality. For this person. For ourself. For us. I’ve never spoken to a person who’s been to a well set up vigil who hasn’t described it as having made a difference to their ability to accept what has happened.

In our practice we like things to be practical and attractive. For many I speak to, the first thought is about how to keep a body cool. At the workshop I’ll be demonstrating how. A vigil is a meaningful and beautiful experience. Any family can choose to do one. One thing I’ll say in the workshop is that there are a few things you can think about ahead. This will make it much easier for the family and organisers of these rituals. I’ll also speak of how vigils can happen at home, in a hospital or an aged care facility. Hope to see you there.

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This determination for change is evident in what’s termed the ‘home funeral’ movement. After the Global Financial Crisis, many simply could not afford funerals. They were sick of being sold products by funeral directors, notably embalming, an ubiquitous practice in the US. I attended the National Home Funeral Alliance’s conference a couple of years’ ago, and got a flavour of the citizen led movement in the sign-in line when the woman next to me introduced herself: ‘I’m Margaret, and this is my sister Helen … we did our mother.’ Intrepid baby boomers without financial resources, they’d been inspired to organise a home vigil or ‘lying in state’ and funeral, taking care of bathing, dressing, vigil and transportation themselves.

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Thanks to National Home Funeral Alliance

The coast-to-coast movement comprises a mix of educators, death doulas, health care and funeral professionals, green burial specialists, Death Café convenors, artists and craftspeople, and those like Margaret, who read in a newspaper or on the net that the family could do it without calling on funeral directors. Margaret then made connections with educators in her state through a Google search. Those who have had the experience often become educators. They can undertake training with home funeral practitioners in numerous states. They may lead the way in their own communities for a new way of approaching death, dying and funerals.

The conference was an intriguing US-wide get-together. The title ‘Home Funeral in Community, Restoring the Lost Art’, suggests the American folk spirit that marked the action. I got together with men and women ranging from 30 to 70. At every meal people were hard at death conversations over weak coffee, comparing notes on regulatory requirements in their respective states and discussing tools of the trade. Americans are tactful, never insisting, simply helping others towards their point of view. ‘You might want to think about buying a body board, said one practitioner to another, ‘it makes it so much easier to move the body across – you should think about it.’ Only to be met with protestations that a double sheet is good, a sheet is quite fine.

If a DIY funeral is right for the person, it works well if a planning process has been put in place, roles and tasks considered and conversations had. The activity of doing after death care and a funeral ourselves contributes to sense making, a key aspect of successful grieving and integration of loss. Death is a mystery. It is something humans with few exceptions are at pains to banish from front of mind. Yet it happens to all. In contemporary society our exposure to the reality of death is often very limited. The body is whisked away soon after death, and there may be little further contact with it again. No wonder it is difficult to make sense of. Integrating the experience of loss has to take place via the mind, without the concrete support of the senses. Seeing. Touching a cold body. Listening, and not hearing breath.

The body present at home before the funeral? It’s morbid. Confronting. It’s unnecessary. It will be frightening. These are commonly held views and tend to make the funeral domain strictly one for funeral directors. This makes it the norm to hand over authority to them. They are experienced and resourced to provide a seamless experience. Their work is not easy yet they often describe it as rewarding.

This is equally true of those of us who are part of the movement for ‘death literacy’ and new funeral norms. Groundswell, recently ran their annual Dying to Know Day. Every 8th August, hosted conversations are held with the intent of countering fear, isolation and taboos around end of life discussions.

‘Have you thought about what you want when you die? Have you discussed it?’

‘Oh yeah, don’t worry about it, I just want to be buried in the backyard.’

Hitting on a solution like this seems trouble-free. Yet Imagine flying over the suburbs of Sydney or Melbourne, and instead of noticing swimming pools out of the window, picking up the imprint of a massive DIY graveyard, not of pets, but family members.

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Painting the coffin, forever home …

‘Oh I just want something sustainable. There’s this fantastic new biodegradable pod coffin. You can be buried in it in foetal position and a tree grows out of it.’

The beauty of this individual solution to body disposal has seen it liked on Facebook more than 12,000 times. The pod is still in the design phase but many people think it is an immediate option. On a moment’s reflection the bio aspect of the pod is way more complex than an enviro-friendly Christmas card studded with callistemon seed that is supposed to result in a gorgeous shrub in the garden. It may take some years to perfect. Nonetheless beauty and sustainability are values both innovators and their audience aspire to.

Holding a facilitated conversation for a group of friends, family or health clients can be light and enjoyable. It can acknowledge the optimistic, sometimes unrealistic thinking that comes from thinking alone. It is not morbid to talk about practical aspects of caring for a dead body that we usually outsource to funeral companies. With ease around what many see as a difficult subject, we are more likely to hold in mind values such as sustainability, beauty or cost-effectiveness, that in ordinary circumstances inform our decision-making. We can stop to calculate the human and environmental costs of producing a cheap cardboard coffin in China and shipping it to Costco.

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When I visited the US in 2013, I enjoyed the camaraderie between people involved in the ‘home funeral’ movement. When I registered at their conference, I overheard one woman say, ‘This is my sister Donna. She did her husband. We did our mother as well’. By this she meant that they had held a vigil for these family members at home, prepared the body for the funeral, held the funeral, and taken the coffin to the cemetery as well. A funeral director wasn’t called unless specific services were required. I’ve been involved in after death care like this, and at the SLF event, I’ll share some experiences.

This article from Huffington Post, ‘Home Funerals Grow as Americans Skip the Mortician for Do-It-Yourself-After-Death-Care’. shows how much the movement to ‘own’ the after death care process has grown in the US in recent years.

Remembering, witnessing, mourning and collective experience are all part of the thread of a vigil. I grew up in South Africa, and at the time of Madiba’s death, I was touched at the way spontaneous vigils arose all over the country. This candle-lit focus of caring attention could have been on the street where I once lived.

Kids can be creatively involved without any fuss when everything’s happening at home. When the option to ‘own the process’ of after death care is activated, kids and adults are free to bring imagination and care to this period of transition.

There seems to be an increasing appetite for conversations about the kind of after-death care people desire. Hope you’ll join me

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All these issues hit a funeral company’s market. With slow demand, the drive for new customers is competitive. Major players Le Pine, and Tobins  have put a lot into changing the look and feel of their services, with well designed websites and attractive propositions about a wide range of  funeral options. Tobins highlights that choices – such as how your coffin will look – are up to you. The Le Pine thematic ‘Goodbye’ lessens the need to talk about death. All companies promise purchasers high quality service and convenience.

From the consumer side, with longer lives and inadequate super savings as outlined in the Age report, many women can’t afford cashew nuts. And what about any major outlay? They’re way out of reach. What to do, when a funeral comes in at between a no frills $4-5,000 and a higher end $12-15,000?

It’s reassuring for anyone who’s afflicted with ‘income poverty’ that home funerals provide a manageable alternative to conventional commercial options. Keep the body at home, use a low-cost coffin, transport the body to the cemetery, collect the ashes, hold your own memorial service. Pick your own flowers. Bring a plate. Perhaps some cashews …

Thanks to ‘Last Things’ for the featured image.

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